about a year

Several people have talked about 2009 as a sort of 'meh' year. For me, it will be always be the year that everything changed. I thought I'd be able to say that I went overseas and it was like a long vacation and I came back and everything was normal again but it's not because I'm different. Moving overseas was was like shoving myself off a diving board headfirst into icy cold water -- and not really knowing how to swim, aside from some sort of awkward dog paddle. I knew it would be worth it once I was in and had gotten my stride but I did spend a lot of time treading water, sputtering, wondering what I had done. Sometimes my head went under water, but somehow I always made it to the top again. Sometimes people threw me a life raft. Sometimes they took one away. It's all part of the learning experience, I guess. In the end, the hardest decision this year wasn't the one to leave but the one to come home. While I know that I can always come back to Calgary, England is some place I might not live again. I will never have that life again. All the same, this is a good place with good people and I have very good reasons for being here.

In 2009, I learned my way around loneliness, despite spending a big majority of my time around people. It was difficult, yes, but it seems that loneliness is how we really grow into ourselves. Myself, I learned that I am enough, even when others had given up on me. In 2009, I learned what it was like to go from being a small fish in a small pond to a small fish in a massive pond. I learned what rejection felt like, and I learned how it feels to be unlucky, to not get the good breaks all the time. In 2009, I broke hearts -- including my own. I learned how to pick up the pieces and go on. I was forced to confront my own selfish nature, but all the same I began to understand that I have a good heart and I love with all of it, unconditionally. I am accepting and patient and kind and trusting. People are lucky to have me in their lives.

In 2009, I grew up.

In 2009 I ....

Went to Ireland three times
Went to Amsterdam Twice
Went to France twice
Went to a bunch of other places once and/or for the first time.
Went to more job interviews than I can count
Went to more second job interviews than I can count
Didn't get any of them
Worked with some great people
Lived with some great people
Travelled with some great people
Saw more of England than some English people have seen in their lifetime
Didn't see nearly as much as I wanted to
Taught myself how to drive standard in Ireland
Went to an alarmingly high number of pubs
Spent at least 10 hours a week on the tube
Made an ass of myself on several occasions
Didn't care on any of them
Met people who will have a place in my heart forever
Met people who were complete douchebags
Realized that I sometimes can't tell the difference between the two
Lived with a girl (other than my mom and aunt Doze) for the first time
Spent too much money.
Most of it in pubs and charity shops.
Read a lot of crap books
Read a couple of really great books.
Took a lot of photos
Didn't take enough photos
Learnt a few things when it comes to packing lightly
Learnt that I still have miles to go in that regard
Watched from afar as my life went on without me
Learnt what it was like to miss people desperately
Learnt what it was like to be completely on my own.
Lived a life that was completely my own.
Loved it, even the hard bits, because all of it makes me who I am.
Learnt that I am resilient.

In 2009 I Loved. I Cried (a lot.) I Laughed (even more.)

I Lived.

Comments

[Tracy]

Hi Martha,

I am a good friend of Jennifer Day's, and I have followed you on your blog during your time away, she was kind enough to share the address with me. I just finished reading this and as I write this, I am in tears, you have articulated so beautifully how you felt while you were away, I truly can relate to your words "Myself, I learned that I am enough, even when others had given up on me".

By the sounds of things your experience was amazing and you are so blessed that you had this opportunity! I hope you are settling back in to things here in Calgary.

Best

Tracy